Monday, March 12, 2012

Aggressive Piglet Superstar


Aggressive Piglet (Agresszív Kismalac) is the hero of many Hungarian jokes. Aggressive Piglet is also a personality type: unable to admit whe he's wrong, bullying everyone around him, and completely oblivious to subtle hints - or, rather, hints of any kind.
Sounds familiar yet?
Yes? No? "What the heck?"

Well, fortunately for the rest of the world, many Aggressive Piglet jokes translate into English without a hitch. And because no one has been doing the global favor and injecting Aggressive Piglet into mainstream culture, I decided it was time Piglet made the jump onto the big stage.

Telling a Piglet joke is easy. Start telling it as any other joke, then randomly scream at people in your rudest voice. For some reason I have not quite figured out yet, the vast majority thinks it is funny to tell them that way.

WARNING!
Aggressive Piglet, no matter how cute and cuddly the name would lead you to believe, is not politically correct, not child friendly, and sometimes just all-around rude.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Here we go.

Piglet is sitting on a tree. Rabbit walks by.
"Piglet, what are you doing?!"
"I'm eating cherries!"
"But... Piglet, that's a pine tree!"
"SHUT UP! I BROUGHT SOME!!!"

Piglet is riding a bike. He turns a corner, runs into a wall, falls over. Rabbit runs up to him.
"Oh my god!!! Piglet are you all right?!"
"SHUT UP! THIS IS HOW I PARK!!!"

Pretty blonde walks down the street with a piglet in her arms. She meets a friend. Friend cheerfully: "Oh my god it's so cuuuute!!! Where did you get it?"
Piglet: "SHUT UP! I BOUGHT HER!!!"

Aggressive Piglet and sparrow are sitting on the tram. It's winter, bitter cold. Sparrow chirps up:
"Piglet, could you please close the window? It's cold outside!"
Piglet mutters something, stands, closes the window. A few minutes later he yells at Sparrow:
"SO IS IT WARMER OUTSIDE NOW?!"

Pigler marches into a restaurant and plops down by a table. Waiter walks up to him, very politely: "I'm sorry, but this table is reserved."
"SO BRING ME ANOTHER ONE!!!"

Piglet walks into a train station.
"I want a round trip ticket!"
"Sure. Where?"
"THERE AND BACK, DAMMIT!"

Piglet's last words: "WHO THE F*** IS THAT STUPID GUY PICKING BERRIES IN A FUR COAT?!"

Piglet is driving a truck, and gets stuck under a bridge. The police shows up, the officer walks over to the truck.
"Hi there Piglet, are you stuck?"
"NO DAMMIT I'M TRANSPORTING A BRIDGE!!!"

Piglet walks into a bus station.
"I want a ticket!"
"Where to?"
"NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!"

Piglet travels on a bus. Old lady shows up. Piglet:
"Would you like to sit down?"
"Yes, please!"
"WELL, YOU CAN'T!"

Piglet shows up at the doctor's office.
"I got kicked by a camel!"
"Where did it kick you?"
"WHERE DO YOU THINK?! IN THE F*** DESERT!"

Piglet to the doctor:
"I think I have anger issues."
"What makes you think so?"
"TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!!"

Piglet walks down the street.
"F*** people, f*** cars, f*** streets, f*** lights, f**** city, I wish they would go up in a puff of smoke!... F**** SMOKE!!!"

Piglet is failing an exam. Finally the teacher decides to be nice:
"Fine, I'll let you pass with a D."
"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!"

Piglet runs a red light, gets pulled over by the police. Officer:
"Piglet, that will cost you 200 dollars."
"I'M NOT BUYIN' ANYTHING!!!"

Piglet falls into a pit. Rabbit shows up.
"Wait Piglet, I'll get you a ladder!"
"I'M NOT WAITING!!!"

Piglet catches the golden fish.
"Piglet, if you let me back in the river, I'll make one wish come true!"
"DIE!"

Piglet is cooking a golden fish by the river. Rabbit shows up.
"Oh my god, Piglet! That fish could have fulfilled three wishes!"
"HE DID!"

Piglet meets a nun and headbutts her.
"BATMAN, YOU'RE WEAK!!!"

And finally, the all-time classic:

Piglet needs a lawnmower. He decides to go over to Hedgehog and borrow his. On the way over to Hedgehog's, he starts thinking:
"I'll just stop by and ask him to lend me the lawnmower. Hedgehod is such a nice guy, I'm sure he'll agree. I mean, he is usually nice. Most of the time. He has usually been nice to me. Except once. I don't think he really likes me. He gives me those looks. I think he thinks I'm not good enough. I bet he doesn't trust me with his lawnmower. He will be all like 'Piglet, you are goin to break it'. I think he hates my guts. What a jerk. And that lawnmower is ancient, so what's the big deal? Just because he's always thought I was stupid, that's no reason to refuse me!"
Piglet finally gets to Hedgehog's, knocks on the door. Hedgehog opens is.
"Oh hey Piglet, what can I do for you?"
"F*** YOUR LAWNMOWER, HEDGEHOG!!!"

(The picture has been linked from this website. Check it out, it's cool!)

1 comment:

  1. And my all time favourite:

    Piglet is walking through the forest when suddenly his fairy godmother appears and says:
    "I'll grant you two wishes."
    Piglet looks at her and says:
    "Drive a nail into that tree that no-one can ever remove!"
    "Done! And your second wish?"
    "PULL IT OUT!"

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